“What’s wrong with me?” “I’m so overly sensitive.” “I’m too broken to be loved.”
This is the familiar voice of the Inner Critic. While the content may differ from person to person (maybe you like to beat yourself up about your weight, your intelligence, your lack of self-discipline or your ‘inability’ to find a healthy relationhship), there is a common theme among every person’s inner critic: this part of the mind seems hell bent on making us feel bad about ourselves.
I define the inner critic as the persistent – sometimes lifelong – inner monologue that highlights everything that’s bad about us. The inner critic becomes such a familiar part of our thinking, that we often do not even notice it. It is like a tape being played on a loop, and usually the content goes way back to the past. You learned how to relate to yourself in a harsh, judgmental manner and those thoughts are now automatic in certain triggering situations. The thoughts we have about ourselves influence our lives in profound ways. One of the things within our control is choosing the thoughts that we choose to focus on, which will dramatically impact our mood. How we do we change this lifelong habit of berating and belittling ourselves? Read on!
1). Just notice it
I had a wonderful therapist as a young woman who taught me that the first step to better self-esteem is to increase my awareness of harsh self-talk. Before you can change it, you have to recognize it. You can do this using a technique I call “red flagging.” Simply set the intention to NOTICE the inner critic and when you do notice it throughout the day, just imagine a red flag in your mind to mark it. When you begin practicing this technique, you will be amazed at the number of “red flags” that pop up in your mind throughout the day. These are automatic thoughts that might not even be true.
2). Say it differently
Once you notice the harsh self-talk, change it to sound more like it would if you were speaking to a dear friend or, better yet, to a small child you love and want to guide. If it resonates with you, you can find a photo of yourself as a child and direct the kind restatement toward that part of yourself. Using this technique, “I’m a fat slob with no self-control” may become, “Food feels so comforting to me and I understand why! I also want to make good choices so I can help myself be as healthy as possible.”
3). Make it a priority
The work of changing your self talk from critical to compassionate takes practice – you can’t change a lifelong habit overnight. By consistently practicing these steps, you will develop a NEW habit of relating to yourself in a kind and supportive manner. When you do that, you open the door to self-love and happiness!
